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Wednesday: Keeping it as real as we can. (28/07/2010) And breathe...

What To Watch Californication, Fiver, 11.15pm tvBite is worth every penny you pay for it, you know*. Yesterday saw the start of a hyper-modern comedy on a difficult-to-find channel and you'll have been delighted to enjoy Better Off Ted. Tonight, we bring you the third series of Californication which starts on Fiver. At the beginning, a run through the highlights of the second series reminds us that it became too dark and stodgy. And whereas Better Off Ted is adult humour pretending to be childish - Californication is much better when it's grown-up material being stupid. Fortunately, any depth fades away fast as the first episode returns to the early formula of the first series which sees Hank spamfiltering young women and being sarcastic and funny. It starts off with his daughter Becca arriving stoned after stealing his supply, which leads in a roundabout way to him being invited to dinner at a university Dean's house. It may be too casually shocking, but in no other series on TV would you see the act that the ageing respected writer performs at the dinner. * Someone use an Amazon link, for God's sake. It's getting tragic.   Great Outdoors, BBC4, 9pm We've got a lot of affection for Mark Heap and Ruth Jones, have a good deal of time for the work of Hyperdrive writers Kevin Cecil and Andy Riley and even like the idea of a comedy about a hapless group of ramblers. Unfortunately we didn't get a preview, so all we really know is that Christine (Ruth Jones) is hyper-efficient and wants to take over leadership of the ramblers from Bob (Mark Heap).   The Men Who Jump Off Buildings, C4, 9pm Base jumpers, eh? They're insane, aren't they? Yes. And a lot of them die. One in six according to this show. There's actually no need for it at all, no matter what these passionate enthusiasts (and who doesn't like a passionate enthusiast?) reckon. Stupid. Also... A friend of tvBite's has a misbehaving pug on My Pet Shame, Sky1, 8pm. Hustle done Stateside in Leverage, Bravo, 9pm. Best drama on television ends its first series: Justified, Five USA, 10pm.

What To Eat Chicken with Broccoli and Parsnips 2 Chicken Breasts, cut into strips 1-3 tsps Chilli Flakes 1 tbsp Light Soy Sauce 2 tbsps Rice Wine Vinegar 2 tbsps Sesame Seeds Sesame Oil 3 Parsnips, cut into batons 2 tbsps Honey Olive Oil ½ Broccoli Head, in small florets Preheat the oven to 180°C. Place the parsnips in a baking tray, season and drizzle with olive oil. Bake for 20 minutes. Meanwhile mix the chicken in the chilli flakes, soy sauce and rice wine vinegar in a small bowl and leave to marinate. Drizzle the honey over the parsnips and return to the oven to glaze. Heat a wok with a tablespoon of oil and swirl to coat the sides. When smoking add the chicken and stir fry until coloured on all sides. Add the broccoli and continue to cook until the chicken is cooked through. Sprinkle over the sesame seeds. Divide the parsnips and chicken between plates and serve immediately. Buy some wine from Majestic

Bonus Bite tvHate Indulge us awhile by taking part in an experiment. Turn on Living TV. Go on. Turn it on. Get up from your desk, go out of your place of work, find a television. Perhaps they have one in the glass atrium in your office block which only shows Sky News (Incidentally - why? Who needs to know the news when they enter the office? It's either too late or too early to do anything about it. And if it's for entertainment of waiting guests, wouldn't Nickelodeon be more fun?). Never mind. Get to a television with satellite or cable. Change the channel to Living (it won't be on Living). As sure as eggs is eggs, or the Charity Shield must be described as the 'traditional curtain raiser', there will be one of two things on: a) an annoying advert or b) a reality show featuring someone who is a Britney Spears impersonator. In the last week, while flicking through the channels, tvBite has paused on Living and caught the following programmes on Living (Don't worry, just for an instant, we turned over before any serious damage): Dating In The Dark, Four Weddings, Four 21st Parties, Britain's Next Top Model, America's Next Top Model. Every single one had someone who called themselves a 'Britneyalike'. Who are these people? Where have they all come from? Is the Britney lookalike market so booming that one in four of all teenagers is now entering the market? If so, perhaps someone should tell Britney. No. More likely is that Living have actually run out of people willing to appear on their reality shows. With the only real prize being ridicule, all Living can scrape up is people who think that in 2010 it is a good thing to look like Britney Spears. Even Britney doesn't think that. The horrifying upshot of this experiment though is what happens when even the Britneyalikes realise there's no point to Living TV reality shows? Where do Living turn next? They have money. They have a channel. They have reality shows but no humans. Where next? The only route available for them is called Frankenstein Street. They will build a reality show factory farm, which can splice the DNA of Big Brother's Bubble to Jodie Marsh. Then populate the screen with Britneyalikes built from meat and cloned guts of Essex estate agents. Think on that as you turn off the TV set and get back to work... If you dare. Buy some stuff from Amazon

BBC1 BBC2 ITV Channel 4 Five 7.00pm The One Show Athletics Emmerdale News   7.30pm Penguin Island   Lion Country   Escape From Dunkirk 8.00pm Celebrity Masterchef   Midsomer Murders How To Look Good Naked Emergency Bikers 8.30pm           9.00pm Traffic Cops Coast   The Men Who Jump Off Buildings NCIS 9.30pm           10.00pm News QI News Big Brother Law & Order: CI 10.30pm The National Lottery Draw Newsnight TV's Naughtiest Blunders     11.00pm (10.45pm) Film: Man Of The Year (11.20pm) How To Beat Tough Times   The Big Bang Theory K-Ville

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