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Tuesday: Cats, Crime and comedy (15/09/2009) She's like the wind, through my tree. She rides the night next to me. She leads me through moonlight, only to burn me with the sun. She's taken my heart and she doesn't know what she's done...RIP SWAYZE

What To Watch How Not To Live Your Life, BBC3, 10pm Poor old Auntie Beeb, she's for ever under fire. If it's not wages of stars, it's James Murdoch carrying on about how it's anti-competitive (whereas, running the most powerful media empire in the country by being your father's son is the sign of meritocracy in action) or it's us moaning about underwhelming comedy (yeah, yeah. Shurrup). Still, credit where credit is due, HNTLYL is a decent comedy and they're giving it another series. It's the same as last series: the same dressing gown, the same Family Guy cutaways and the same awkward laughs. There is another lovely lady, the comedically named Laura Haddock, though, this time. Oh, and there's a cameo from Limahl, which will delight BBC3's target demographic.   True Stories: Cat Dancers, More4, 10pm Absolutely insane documentary about a married couple - Ron and Joy Holiday - who became tiger entertainers after adopting a black leopard. (Begin Our Tune music here) As every ballet-dancing, big-cat duo must, they hired a young buck to help with the show, Chuck. They ended up sleeping with him. As their love got bigger, so did the big cats and, well, Jupiter, a bengal tiger, struck. Twice. Ron, who may be wearing a wig, narrates, seemingly unaware of how totally ridiculous the whole affair is.   Crime Thriller Season, ITV3, 9pm We're not alone in thinking that the best Morses weren't written by Colin Dexter, ITV3, 9pm but the profile proves he's quite sweet and there's some nice Morse and Holmes on late night all week. Also... Apart from the dodgy action sequences, The Fixer, ITV1, 9pm is okay. Otherwise, Besiktas v Man U, SS1, 7pm and Chelsea v Porto, SSX, 7.30pm YAWN, YAWN, YAWN.

What To Eat Broad Bean and Pancetta Risotto 340g broad beans 170g bacon, chopped 300g Arborio rice 1 small onion, chopped 1/2 celery stick, chopped Glass of white wine 1 litre (1 3/4 pint) chicken or vegetable stock 1 tbsp creme fraiche Parmesan, grated Fry the bacon, onion and celery in butter over a low heat for 5 minutes. Add the risotto rice and a splash of wine, coat the rice. Add the stock a ladle at a time. On your final ladle add the broad beans. Once that is absorbed add creme fraiche, parmesan and serve. Blah, blah, blah wine. Click here for Majestic's top ten offers...

Bonus Bite Competition time Trevor Locke (no relation, Russell Brand fans) wins the two series of Mad Men. Well done Trevor. He was one of many who were curiously willing to admit watching Joanna Lumley and some cats and SIGNED UP A FRIEND. We've got one more set to give away. You just have to tell us who said the following AND SIGN UP A FRIEND: "I'm having my tattoos removed because they're supposed to be chilis but people keep saying they look like carrots." Answers to: editor AT SIGN tvbite.com Send us some letters. That means you, Charnock. And not you people who point out errors. Then we'll print them next week, probably. Buy some stuff from Amazon: by clicking here

BBC1 BBC2 ITV Channel 4 Five 7.00pm The One Show Economy Gastronomy Emmerdale News Live From Studio Five 7.30pm EastEnders   Grimefighters   Monkey Life 8.00pm Holby City Masterchef: The Professionals Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Celebrity (Well, Martin Lewis and Diarmuid Gaaaarvin) River Cottage: Gone Fishing Big, Bigger, Biggest 8.30pm           9.00pm Lost Land Of The Volcano The Choir: Unsung Town The Fixer Jamie's American Road Trip CSI: Miami 9.30pm           10.00pm News Later Live... With Jools Holland News The Big Food Fight CSI: NY 10.30pm (10.35pm) The World's Strictest Parents Newsnight Special - One year on from the crash thingy (10.35pm) Crackdown The Real Housewives Of New Jersey   11.00pm (11.35pm) Film 2009       CSI: CSI

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