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| | BBC1 | BBC2 | ITV1 | Channel 4 | Five | | 7.00pm | The One Show | The Culture Show | Emmerdale | News | News | | 7.30pm | Real Rescues | | Corrie | | (7.15pm) Actually, maybe we were wrong about Harmy. Cricket | | 8.00pm | Celebrity Masterchef | Top Gear | The Bill | Embarrassing Teenage Bodies | Build A New Life In The Country | | 8.30pm | | | | | | | 9.00pm | Torchwood | Taking The Flak | Trial And Retribution | Big Brother | Film: Panic Room | | 9.30pm | | | | | | | 10.00pm | News | Supersave Me | News | Ugly Betty | | | 10.30pm | (10.35pm) The Richard Dimbleby Lectures | Newsnight | (10.35pm) Schedule Filler | | | | 11.00pm | (11.30pm) Film: Loveable Phil Collins is...Buster | (11.20pm) The Wire | | Skins | (11.15pm) Soho Blues | |
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| What To Watch | | Taking The Flak, BBC2, 9pm | What's our favourite bird? Swift. Our favourite global religious leader? Pope. That's right, cut tvBite in half and we bleed satire. So we were happy to see the announcement of a new comedy from Audio Books star Martin Jarvis. He plays a news reporter in a little-known African country 'Karibu' that's in the midst of a rebellion. The hacks want to find - or manufacture - stories for the news. Unfortunately we weren't pleased to watch it and discover that its dialogue stank of Radio 4's 6.30pm comedy slot. It really deserves to sit along some of the worst of those like Claire In The Community, Pat Self On The Back and Smugger And The Self Satisfied.
| | Getting On, BBC4, 10pm | IMDB proves that Peter Capaldi has virtually made no mistakes since Local Hero. It's a CV that screams 'class' louder than someone at a pub quiz tiebreak asked to name Andrew McCarthy's debut film. So it's no surprise that when he turned his hand to directing a sitcom, it's extremely well made. Jo Brand and two less well known actresses play nurses on a medical ward that's overloaded with OAPs. They have to deal with NHS bureacracy which requires them to fill in forms and file faecal matter. It's a cynical, dry and washed through with realism. It is a lot like The Thick Of It, but understandably, and that's not a bad thing.
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| | Theatre Live!, Sky Arts1, 9pm | Speaking of people pleased with themselves on Radio 4, Sandi Toksvig is the artistic director of this attempt to bring live drama to TV, as Sky Arts continues its push to become the most interesting channel that no one watches. Tonight sees a live performance of an original play by Jackie Kay (us neither) called Mind Away, about dementia. Is it any good? HOW WOULD WE KNOW? IT'S LIVE, YOU DOLT. It contains the talents of Spooks star (and a dead ringer for a cousin of tvBite) Razza Jaffrey and Siobhan Redmond so it can't be all bad. We said that about Charlie Brooker's thing though too - and look what happened to that.
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| What To Eat | | Pork and Sage Burgers | For those of you that have asked, the 'comedy' recipes will return on occasions when we can think of something that's actually funny
200g Lean Pork Mince
1 Small onion, half sliced and half diced
1tbsp Sage, finely chopped
50g Stilton, Crumbled
1tbsp Olive Oil
1 Small Apple, in batons and tossed in lemon juice
2 Sesame Burger Buns
To Serve
Coleslaw
Salad Leaves
Preheat a grill to medium.
Mix the mince, diced onion and sage together. Shape into 2 balls and flatten to form a burger shape.
Place under the grill and cook for 12 minutes, turning halfway until cooked through.
While the burgers cook fry the onions in the olive oil until softened and turning golden.
Slice the burger buns in half and place under the grill to warm through for the last few minutes of the burgers cooking.
Place some onions on the bases of the buns, add the burger, cheese and apple. Sandwich with the top and serve with the coleslaw and salad leaves.
WINE DEALS. 20 per cent off, for tvBite readers. Go on, it'll go well with the Ashes.
Get a lot of nice cheap Beaujolais, lovely.
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| Bonus Bite | | tvHate | Wordplay, Channel Five, every damn day
Longtime aficionados of daytime quizzes may remember Brainteaser, a series of Mensa-level challenges presented by fish-faced totty Alex Lovell, which, it transpired, was little more than a front for a premium-rate phoneline scam. One quick rap on the knuckles from Ofcom later, Channel Five was wringing its hands in repentance and promising never to do that sort of thing ever again. So it is a little odd to find the schedules polluted by the daily discharge of Wordplay, a totally different programme that happens to have the same name - coincidentally - as one of the old Brainteaser rounds.
With the lovely Miss Lovell presumably having better things to do, Wordplay is presented by an alternating pair of intellectual titans: Jenny Powell, who demonstrated her faculty for linguistics by rotating the letters on ITV's Wh--l -f F-rtun- in 1997; and Jenni Falconer, who has never come closer to a big word than when she used to stand in front of the Hollywood sign on GMTV, and who probably thinks that a faculty for linguistics is something you might find on a university campus. Dressed as if for a Friday night on Sauchiehall Street rather than a daytime gameshow, they plod through a couple of pathetic word games with the studio contestants before getting down to the serious business: getting simple-minded viewers to phone an 0845 number in the hope of cracking the kind of dastardly anagram that would have kept the codebreakers at Bletchley Park occupied for months. Like stage conjurors, they deflect your attention from what they're doing, dropping unidiomatic phrases like "this Wednesday" into their patter to reassure you that the programme is indeed going out live this Wednesday and that there's no way the whole thing is a ridiculous con. Why not give them a ring? You could be a winner this Wednesday!
There is something almost hypnotic about the way they drone "Change a letter... Change a letter... Change a letter..." at the contestants; you achieve a Zen-like calm and begin to think that, you know, actually it might not be such a bad idea to enter the phone-in after all. In fact, we at tvBite are getting in on the act this Wednesday. We're offering £1,000* to the first reader who can solve our fiendish conundrum. Your clue is "Ofcom", and your anagram is this: TOOHTLSES RELUGATOR
*Prize is entirely fictitious. In the event that anyone enters, a member of tvBite's staff will pretend to have won. Any implication that this happens on Channel Five's Wordplay is entirely unintentional.
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