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Wednesday: X marks the spot, Amanda hugandkiss and the rest (02/12/2009) Sick to the back teeth of blooming Christmas. Sick of it.

What To Watch The Man Behind The Masquerade, BBC4, 9pm At the tvBite office we think we vaguely remember Masquerade, even though we must have been too young. It's there in the back of our minds with the lyrics to Nik Kershaw's 'The Riddle' and the reasons why Sam Fox was supposed to be hot. It was a treasure hunt for a buried gold hare and the clues could be found in a children's book with drawings that looked a bit like prog rock album covers. The book was authored/drawn by a promising artist called Kit Williams, but the success ruined his career (though actually, look at his drawings... Where was he going, really?). Still it's a fascinating story about how the hare was found, then unfound and people cheating and lots of anger. Williams has refused to talk about it until recently, so it is particularly interesting to see him re-united with his creation.   Spooks, BBC1, 9pm Didn't Ros have a mentor before? Sure she did. Or was that her dad? Either way, there's a new one now, who had come back from MI6 just in time to see the death of three more intelligence officers following Samuel Walker. Then there's some big explosions, running around and cool stuff. It's all good.   The Family, C4, 8pm The Grewals make way for the Windsors as The Queen goes in at 9pm. Which is better? There's only one way to find etc. etc. Also... You won't have seen many adverts for Amanda Holden's Big Top, BBC1, 7.30pm, because the BBC are embarrassed about it. Correctly. It's worse than it sounds. That's worse than a sitcom featuring Amanda, Tony Robinson and Ruth Madoc in a circus sounds. Think on that.

What To Eat Beef and Ale Stew 1kg shin of beef, trimmed and cut into roughly 3cm chunks 100g plain flour 2-4 tbsps olive oil 2 red onions, sliced 50g lardons or pancetta, chopped 3 celery sticks, trimmed and chopped Small handful fresh rosemary 1 pint real ale 2 parsnips, peeled and roughly chopped 2 carrots, peeled and roughly chopped 4 medium potatoes, peeled and roughly chopped Toss the beef in salt, pepper and flour. Fry in batches until well browned. Transfer to casserole. In the same frying pan, over a medium heat, add the onions and lardons or pancetta. Cook until the onions are see-through then add to the casserole. Add the celery, rosemary and ale. Place on a medium heat and bring to the boil. Cover and cook for 90 minutes. Then add the rest of the vegetables and some water if it is drying out. Remove the celery. Cook for a further half-hour and then serve.

Bonus Bite tvHate Gavin and Stacey, BBC1, Thursday 9pm How did they know the number? Within 11 minutes of Gavin settling into his new office in Wales, his family and friends were all ringing him on his work phone to find out how he was doing. Did he send them a text containing his extension - before he even knew how to work his office phone? Was it a round-robin e-mail? I mean, we all do it before starting a new job - send our family and friends the number. Or perhaps they looked up the switchboard number of the firm in the Yellow Pages and called there. I mean, there's no way they'd use his mobile phone number. The cost of calling some networks can be prohibitive. Obviously, this was part joke/part characterisation. They're worried about him! They're making things worse! And really, it shouldn't be over-analysed because at least it was a joke, even if it didn't work. We should be grateful for its presence because Gavin And Stacey doesn't usually bother with jokes. As every newspaper will tell you, Gavin And Stacey is warm. (Warm is defined as 'a mawkish soap-opera similar in style to late series of Only Fools And Horses'.) It's true that the rest of the show was searingly original - a swearing granny, the robot dance, Sheridan Smith as a young spamfilter and James Corden's heroic attempt to maintain his position as the most punchable face on television. By tvBite's reckoning, there were three and a half jokes in the first episode. None of them were funny. None of them worked on their own terms (Gavin's phone number, how did Nessa only hear her baby through a monitor when it was on the other side of the bed?). Still, there are unbelievable things that happen in real life. Who'd laugh at a show with no jokes, patronising characters (Yes, they ARE. Look at Pam Ferris and Nessa's fiancé) and James Corden? What kind of world would shower this show with awards and claim it was well-written? It's total fantasy. If you like Gavin And Stacey do e-mail us at editorATtvbite.com Go on, buy stuff from Amazon. Help us out.

BBC1 BBC2 ITV Channel 4 Five 7.00pm The One Show Stalin's Return Emmerdale News   7.30pm Big Top       Och! It's Highland Emergency 8.00pm Waterloo Road Top Gear Corrie The Family Britain's Worst Quiz 8.30pm     I'm A Celebrity...Will It Ever End?     9.00pm Spooks Andrew Marr's Making Of Modern Britain   The Queen Film: Half Past Dead 9.30pm           10.00pm News Never Mind The Buzzcocks News True Blood   10.30pm (10.45pm) Sports Personality Of The Year: Contenders Newsnight (10.35pm) Cops With Cameras     11.00pm   (11.20pm) Rich Man, Poor Man: Ben Dover Straightens   (11.15pm) Cast Offs America's Toughest Prisons

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