BBC1 BBC2 ITV1 Channel 4 Five
7.00pm The One Show The Apprentice Emmerdale News News
7.30pm EastEnders   Countrywise (7.55pm) 3 Minute Wonder Animal Rescue Squad
8.00pm   Caravans: A British Love Affair The Bill 10 Years Younger: The Challenge I Own Britain's Smuggest Smile
8.30pm My Family        
9.00pm How Woolies Became Wellies The Children Of Helen House Revisited The Truth About Beauty Cutting Edge: Would You Save A Stranger The Mentalist
9.30pm          
10.00pm News The Graham Norton Show News The S e x Education show Law & Order
10.30pm (10.35pm) David Lean In Close Up With Jonathan Ross Newsnight (10.35pm) Real Crime    
11.00pm   (11.20pm) The Wire (11.35pm) Film: Angel Heart Kitchen Nightmares USA Law & Order: SVU
What To Watch
Inbetweeners, E4, 10pm
Taking the place of Skins in the yoof slot, but not as archly/implausibly cool, Inbetweeners returns for a second series. This is a show about the sort of kids who were in all of your classes but you can't remember them when they add you on Facebook. This first episode features two of school's most exciting events: a field trip and the arrival of a new girl. The geography trip to Swanage does nothing to enthuse the lads; the opposite is true of shiny new student Lauren. Will (right) takes an immediate shine to her but it turns out she only has eyes for Simon. Such is life. Pervy jokes and pervier teachers mean that after watching this you'll be laughing - and longing for that crush from class 2B.

How Woolies Became Wellies, BBC1, 9pm
Claire Robertson was manager of the Dorchester branch of Woolworths (as in, the place in Dorset, not the in-house store of the Park Lane hotel). But in these difficult credit financial times current climate crunch, and in NO WAY because Woolworths was absolutely toilet, it of course closed down. But Claire wasn't beaten yet. She had a vision to continue selling germ-infested penny sweets and ironing board covers to the people of Dorchester, so she found investors and rehired staff and she bloody well kept the shop open under a new name. It's this sort of fighting spirit that saw off the Boche, and also makes for eccentric, rather endearing documentaries. One caveat: Chris Evans re-opens the new store.



The Truth About Eternal Youth, ITV1, 9pm
Say what you like about Coleen Nolan - she's a 44-year-old woman, on the telly, who happily looks every last day of it. Yes, she's guilty of singing cheesy tunes, stints on dreadful Loose Women, 'dancing' on ice and - most worrying of all - once marrying Shane Richie. But in this day and age, for a celeb over 40 to have had no Botox and no surgery is something to be commended. (If even strong, confident women like Madonna can't be relaxed in their own skin, where does this leave the rest of us?) Anyway, here, Coleen explores the different, maddening ways us women attempt to stay wrinkle-free. And the results are what we suspected: Fiddling around with your face is financially crippling, ethically warped, and likely to make you look weird.

What To Eat
Duck with Hazelnuts and Beetroot
With the help of a branch of Woolworths

2 Duck Breasts, in strips
4-5tbsp Plain Flour
1 Egg, beaten
3-4 tbsp Chopped Hazelnuts
4 Cooked Beetroot, diced
4tbsp Sour Cream
2tbsp Chives, finely chopped
Vegetable Oil
Green Salad


Season the flour, either with salt and pepper or by allowing neighbourhood urchins to stick their grimy fingers in it. Pass the strips of duck through it and pat off the excess. Dip into the egg and coat in the hazelnuts pressingly them in.

Mix the beetroot, sour cream and chives together. If you can't find beetroot, perhaps use a sandwich toaster that's been lying around gathering dust and waiting for a purchaser since 1982. Season to taste and chill until required.

Heat the oil in a frying pan - perhaps a really up-to-date, branded toy one with Andy Pandy on it - and cook the strips in batches being careful not to overcrowd the pan. Remove from the pan once they are golden and crisp. Keep the cooked strips warm while cooking the others.

Divide the duck between warm plates and serve with the beetroot and a green salad. Blame a stockbroker if it tastes rubbish.

Various Easter offers from Majestic


Bonus Bite
TV stars we have known
As regular readers will know, there are many ways to mess up a celebrity phone interview. Here we'll outline some of the more common mistakes.

1. Honesty
tvBite: Hello? Is that Roger Daltrey?
RD: Yes. Have you seen the show?
tvBite: No.
RD: F*** off then.
Click brrr

2. Dishonesty
tvBite: Hello? Is that Nathaniel Parker? Have you got a moment to talk me through the new series of Inspector Lynley?
NP: Yes. Sure? Have you seen it?
tvBite: Erm, yes.
NP: Good. So what episode did you want to ask me about? They're filmed out of order a long time ago, so you'll have to talk me through what happens.
tvBite: Ah. Um. When I said I'd seen it... Um. We didn't get the DVDs until last erm, week. My mum's a big fan, by the way.
NP: Well, I can't remember it. What will we do?
tvBite: Can I phone you back?
NP (for he is a LOVELY man): Sure. I'll give you an hour to watch it. But you have to be extremely nice about it.

3. Forgetting to phone
This happens surprisingly often to some of us.

tvBite: Hello? TV Listings magazine.
Voice: Hello? It's Paul McKenna here.
tvBite: Hello! Paul. Ah yes, We were due to cha..
PM: Three hours ago. After you f**king forgot yesterday. You f**king idiot.
tvBite: Yes. Um. There's an element of that.
PM: I'm only joking.
tvBite: Sigh of relief.
PM: No, I'm not. You are a f**king idiot.

More next week.

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